Observations
by icyrainbow
Summary: Nathan's thoughts during Season 2. Updated Ch. 9, 10 & 11! Complete
1. Confinement

I think Nathan is an interesting character and decided to write a little POV.  
  
*  
  
Nathan doesn't get much sleep.   
  
The cell is cramped and hot, and it smells. His bed is lumpy and he can always feel the springs pressing into his back through the mattress when he lies down.  
  
Since he doesn't sleep, he thinks. It's really the only thing he's free to do without asking for permission. He thinks about everything.  
  
He thinks about his aunt and uncle. Henry has never come to see him. Sam says it's because he's busy with work. He's working extra hours at Pryor's store and gets home late. There's just no time, but he would visit if he could.  
  
Nathan doesn't believe that, not for a minute. Uncle Henry isn't too tired to come, he's ashamed. He's embarrassed and angry, and feels like a failure for not straightening him out.  
  
His aunt visits when she can. She doesn't say much, she mostly just sits and tries her best to create small talk. He knows that being there bothers her and she probably is embarrassed too, but at least she makes the effort.  
  
Sam always comes in with some story trying to make him feel better. He talks about the kids at school, what he hears on the radio. Sometimes he mentions Meg, and Nathan lets it slide without question. He knows that Sam has it bad for that Pryor girl, he can tell. Ever since the day of the riot, when he huddled in front of her protectively and put on that scene like he was some hot shot in front of Nathan's friends. He saw that jerk cop drag away the girl, who was screaming to stay with Sam. Yeah, he lets it slide because if he does maybe Sam will forget all about her. If he doesn't forget her, he's headed for more trouble than he can imagine. He hopes Sam is smarter than that.  
  
Angela can't visit but she writes him letters. Sam brings them and they always tell about school and television shows, and music. He keeps them all folded underneath his mattress.  
  
He knows when he gets out things are going to be harder. People are going to look at him with worse glares than before. They'll probably cling to the opposite side of the sidewalk when he passes them. He almost wishes he could stay here, even if he can't sleep at night.   
  
He has a job, doing laundry, it isn't so bad. It's a chance to get out of the cell and move around, it's as close to freedom as he can get. At least for another three weeks, then he gets out. Back to the real world, to everything he was trying so hard to get away from.   
  
It's funny how much he's missed it. 


	2. Why Not?

*   
  
He's the expendable one, and he knows it.   
  
It's not like he thinks he's the glue that holds the family together, that's a laugh. It doesn't even matter. He's going to do what he can to help the family anyway.  
  
They need the money.  
  
They need it to buy a better apartment, a safer place for Sam and Angela to live in.  
  
He likes the happy feeling he has when he brings Angela home a present. She hasn't stopped playing Life since he gave it to her.  
  
He wants things to be better for them. He wants them to go to school, and work hard, get opportunities that he can't even imagine.  
  
He knows he is destined for the streets, it's the only thing he can do. Who's going to hire an ex-con? They don't even see the "ex" part, just the convict. That's what he looks like to them anyway, even if he didn't have a single mark on his record, they would think he was and he just never got caught.  
  
So, he goes out at night when the dealers aren't afraid to be seen because they have the shadows to hide in and the users roam the sidewalks and alleys looking for people just like him. It's becoming very easy to him. It doesn't bother him, it's his job. He's getting pretty good at it, he's making more money. It's not exactly honest money, but nobody is honest anymore. At least that's what he tells himself.  
  
Maybe he *does* deserve to be looked at like a convict because technically he still is. But all of those people, they don't see the reasons behind it.  
  
They don't see his Aunt and Uncle's faces as they worry over their children. They don't see the look in Sam's eyes everyday when he comes home from school, another day having to deal with the disgusted looks from kids who think they're better. They don't have to see Angela go without the littlest things kids are supposed to have. They don't know what it's like, and if they did, they would understand everything.  
  
Sam doesn't understand, but he's not supposed to. He's better than that. Uncle Henry is better than that.  
  
So why not him?  
  
Somebody has to do it.  
  
And he's the most expendable member of the family. 


	3. Changes

*  
  
He'll never forget the look on Sam's face when he went into Aunt Gwen's room. It was hard to read and at first he didn't understand, but when he did it made his stomach sink into his shoes. Uncle Henry's eyes grew wide, his jaw clenched when he joined Sam at the foot of the bed, and his stomach sank even further into the floor. It was so quiet. It was an aching quiet that filled the entire apartment like a 45 blasting during a block party.  
  
He went out that night. He had to. Angela was crying so loud it was making him sick because he knew there was nothing he could do; Except work. He made a few deals and got some more supply. He came home with a wad of cash in his coat pocket around midnight. Angela was asleep against Sam on the couch. Sam's eyes were wide, staring at the blank television screen.  
  
He's never felt pain like this before, nothing that stung so bad and changed so much. Everything is going to change, he can feel it.  
  
The kitchen was filled with relatives he hadn't seen in years the very next day, cooking and cleaning, singing hymns as they worked, some how a homage to his aunt's passing. The people made him nervous, suffocated him. They bothered Sam, and Angela, and he was sure they bothered Henry too. They meant well, but sometimes he had wished they would go home, forget they ever heard the news, so they could grieve in peace.  
  
The Priors showed up the day of the funeral. He caught Sam and Meg hugging in front of the house. It doesn't bother him; he has bigger problems to worry about. With Gwen gone, that just means more money that needs to be made, more work that has to be done and if Sam can find some comfort in that white girl with the curly blonde hair, let him. It'll never amount to nothing anyway, at least that's what he tells himself.  
  
They won't have to worry about food for a while. They have enough leftovers, and home-cooked meals are brought to them every night from the neighbors. Uncle Henry sees it as charity; he tries not to see it that way. If people want to bring them casseroles, or dresses for Angela, what's the harm? Wouldn't it be worse if nobody cared?  
  
He didn't used to think like that, he would have thought just like Henry, but something has changed in him. Just like something has changed in Willy Johnson. He's not sure what, or how, but he dresses, and speaks, and acts far different than the guy he used to run the neighborhood with a year ago. Willy wants him to listen, and he will, but he's not sure yet what he's listening to. 


	4. Enlightenment

*  
  
Words have power.  
  
Malcom X believes in the power of word, of action, of triumph. The minister believes that even guys like him can be successful, important, recognized in the community. It's true. After all, he's got a new job, he doesn't have to run the streets, he's better than that now. The money is great, so are the hours, and he feels like he has a purpose, he's never felt like that before. His boss his just like him, it's much better than working for Mr. Pryor, who even though he might like to deny it, thinks he is better than him.  
  
He's heard him speak twice, he's read everything he can get his hands on. Ahmad Iman, that's Willy Johnson, gives sermons on the street corners, hoping to show young men how they can make a difference for their race.  
  
He was glad that Sam came with him to Harlem. He saw the glow and amazement in his eyes, the excitement building up inside him as he shook hands with and talked to all the other men waiting in line. Men just like them, facing the same struggles, understanding the same feelings, wanting the same outcome, believing in Malcom and his word.  
  
Uncle Henry will come around. He's not thinking clearly right now, he goes into his room and stares at Aunt Gwen's picture for hours. He never pays attention to Angela, and the only time he talks to Sam is when he's lecturing him to not listen to the Muslims.  
  
At night, when Nathan finishes reading the latest news article on his new hero, he wonders where he himself came from, what his ancestors were like. They weren't Walkers, they were different, with a different culture, a different belief system, they seem so far away but it's like he can feel them when he listens to Malcom speak.  
  
He has direction now, motivation to work harder than ever before. He's not doing it just for his family, it's for his race, for the movement, following the path that Malcom X has set before him, no matter what. 


	5. Set Back

Wow, thanks so much for all the reviews!   
  
*  
  
  
  
Malcom X is dead.  
  
He's said it several times, heard it several more than that, but it's hard to believe. How could a man so powerful, so important, so smart and supportive of the black race be gunned down like an animal? It's not right, the Muslims had no right to come after him like they did; Shoot him down in front of all those people, while he spoke to them.  
  
"Everything's going to be all right." Those were the last words he spoke to the crowd. Nathan wished he could believe that, but he knows better. With Malcom gone, he's afraid so will go the radical rights movement. Malcom believed in militant demand for respect and equality, given time, Nathan believes he would have gotten it for his people.  
  
The tension is thick at home between Uncle Henry and Sam. It's so uncomfortable even Angela can notice it. The other night, while Sam was trying to warm up the bath water for her, Nathan heard her ask Sam why he had changed. Sam seemed shocked at the question, and mumbled something about things changing after Mama died. He doesn't see it, but Nathan does. Sam is becoming his own person, an individual, and a leader in his own right. Sure he feels like he has to be strong after Aunt Gwen's death, but there's more to it than that. He hasn't seen Sam with that Pryor girl since the funeral; He's been defiant, and less critical since their trip to Harlem. Sam is understanding that he should be proud of his heritage, and that makes Nathan proud of him.  
  
He heard today that JJ Pryor shipped off to Vietnam. It almost made him laugh. A privileged white boy like Pryor sent to fight a war in the middle of nowhere. He wonders how long he'll last before it breaks him down. He'll never go there, he knows better, he has common sense. Besides, it'll be over before long anyway, whatever it is that's going on over there. He doesn't understand why the country is getting into everybody else's business, with all the oppression that is going on right here at home; But then he forgot, nobody here cares to do anything about it, except Malcom. Maybe it's time to change all that; maybe it's time for him to make a change himself. 


	6. Crossing the Line

"We're friends, why can't you understand that, we're just friends?"

Friends.

Yeah, sure they are. Nathan never looked at a friend that way. He's never gone all goofy and grinning beyond control when he talked to a friend. He's never forgot who he was because of a friend. 

He's not blind, he's not deaf and he most certainly isn't dumb. He's known it since the beginning. But, he bit his tongue. Just like he did right after Aunt Gwen died. Sam had needed a _friend_. Now it is clearer than ever, that Sam doesn't think of that white girl that way. That girl is trouble. She had a lot of nerve coming to the park, walking in there with Sam like she was so proud of herself for doing what was "right". That girl wouldn't know what was good for her if it was handed to her on a silver platter.

Nathan visited the park today; he brought Angela. They did just fine on that place, without any help from all those college kids preaching equality because they have nothing better to do. He knows how they are, taking up a cause to make themselves feel important, rebellious. Nobody in North Philly needs their charity, their ego trip; They can take care of themselves just fine.

Sam needs to keep far away from Meg. He needs to stay with his own people, not defend her. Nathan didn't want to bring it up, but he was pushed to the limit by Sam's behavior. Does he not know what he is doing? He is going to college, he could make a real difference, and he's going to go after a white girl. He _knows _it will never happen, so what is he thinking? Why would he _want_ to be with Meg anyway? She's a spoiled brat, just like all those other college kids, going around running her mouth thinking the world revolves around her. Who needs her? Not Sam, that's for sure.

Since he can't control Meg, and Sam won't listen, it's up to him to find another way. That's why he's paying this late night visit to Mr. Pryor at the store. He could care less what kind of trouble Meg gets herself into in North Philly; She would only get what she deserves. Did she think she could talk to him like she did that day at the park and get away with it? He doesn't owe that girl an explanation about anything. It's no concern of his if she gets herself killed but if he makes Mr. Pryor see how dangerous it is for her, then maybe he'll keep her away from Sam. He'll do anything to make sure Sam has a good future, whether he likes it or not.

"That right there, that ain't never gonna happen."


	7. Loan Heart

*

He wasn't sure exactly what to say when Uncle Henry cornered him against the fire escape. He told the truth, but maybe he should have tried to explain it a little bit more. The problem was, Henry wouldn't have listened to him, not then. He heard the word 'drugs' and all of his reasoning went out the window. All he saw was Angela and Sam, and Nathan understands that. He would never let that job touch them, he cares too much about their future. Why does Henry think he wants him to get that loan? If Henry gets his own shop, that will mean so much more for his kids.

Those men he works for, they want to do what's right. Nathan can see it now. Everyone in the neighborhood will come to Henry, the money will roll in. New clothes and toys for Angela, books and other things for school for Sam and maybe even something for himself. Nathan doesn't need anything, seeing them get what they need is payment enough.

He understands why Sam told; it's in his nature. Sam has yet to grasp the concept of the Muslims' intentions but one day soon he will. One day, Sam will help them sign loans and help them support the community. The cousins will stand side by side, and that will make Henry proud; He just doesn't know it yet.


	8. Rummy on the Board

*  
  
He shouldn't have been surprised.  
  
Honestly, when Uncle Henry said that Mr. Pryor had swayed him back with a joint ownership deal, Nathan should have called Jack Pryor up and congratulated him on his manipulating skills. The white man always wins; That's what they want him to think. But he doesn't think that, not at all.  
  
Tonight over a game of gin rummy, he tried to talk to Sam about it. All Sam could do was go on and on about how great it was of Mr. Pryor to give Henry such a big part of a business that's already off the ground, and how happy Dad is with it. He was so frustrated with his cousin that he lost the card game, three different times. That never happens, nobody beats him at cards. The only time he might ever lose is when he plays with Angela, and he does that on purpose.  
  
Henry went out on a date tonight. Nobody in the house likes to talk about it, except Angela. Baby Girl could go on forever about that woman, simply because it's nice to have another person around who likes makeup and dresses. He hopes Angela doesn't get ahead of herself. Sam's not, he's not, he knows Uncle Henry isn't either.  
  
They're fine just the way they are, just the four of them. Sam and Angela doing their schoolwork. Uncle Henry repairing televisions. And him, Nathan Walker, looking out for his family and making sure they don't get left behind. 


	9. Order of Operations

*  
  
After he finished talking to Uncle Henry, he came in from the fire escape and went straight to his bedroom. As soon as his head hit the pillow, his mind began to wonder. All of that talk about death and parents, it had brought up vivid memories in him.   
  
In a way, he had lied to Uncle Henry. He hadn't really been fine all those times when the family thought he was. True, the smells and sights would trigger him to think about his father even stronger, but he never truly got over his death. He can still close his eyes and see his father coming through the door after a long day at work. He can hear him whistling and laughing as he looked over the evening paper and kidded Nathan across the dinner table. His laugh. That's what Nathan misses the most.  
  
"Nathan?" a soft voice, interrupted his thoughts as he lie there staring at the ceiling.  
  
"Baby Girl?" Nathan rolled over to the familiar whisper "What are you doing up?"  
  
"Do you want to play Operation?" Angela pulled the game from behind her back "I can't sleep."  
  
Most people would regret buying her that game, she's been playing it so much that the 'buzzing' noise has become common place in their house, but Nathan thinks it is one of the best presents he's ever bought her.  
  
"One game," he insisted "Then its back to bed."  
  
After an hour of Operation, he finally manages to convince her to go back to bed, after he tucks her in.  
  
"Nathan," she whispered.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I miss Mama."  
  
He stood there for a minute, letting the words ride on the air, before he glanced back over his shoulder at her.  
  
"I know you do Angela," he nodded at last "It's ok."  
  
*  
  
Back in his room, he pulls a handful of papers and pictures out of his dresser drawer. Some of them are the letters Angela wrote him last summer, some are articles about Malcom X and the very last one is a picture of his father.  
  
He runs his finger over the fading image and he can almost smell his father's pipe tobacco again.  
  
"It's ok," he whispers to himself. 


	10. C is for Coward

"A man don't survive two times in jail."

The words echoed in Nathan's head, hours after his Uncle had said them. 

Was he right?

Granted, jail had been no cakewalk the first time and he could think of a lot of places he would have rather been. Yeah, it was lonely and could be dangerous, but he had managed.

What if this time, this time there were people there who wouldn't like the reasons he was in there?

Today, when he was leaving his meeting with the draft board, a couple of elderly men glared at him and one said in a defiant voice.

"C is for coward."

It took all he could to walk away.

C.O. Consciencious Objector. 

That would forever be branded on his record. He was proud of that.

But the people in jail, what would they think of those two little letters?

And his Mama. She was so ashamed of him going to jail again. 

He hadn't seen her in close to a year, and there here she shows up all smiles and laughing, only to completely change her tune when he told her.

Doesn't anyone see that this is important?

Just Sam, and Meg Pryor. As much as he hates it, he's grateful to her for getting him that appointment with that professor. Maybe she's not all bad like he thought. That professor even made him think a little when he asked him what he would do if someone came after his family. Made him find a completely new avenue to explore in his religion than before.

C.O.

Consciencious Objector.

That C don't stand for coward.

"A man don't survive two times in jail."

But he's sure as hell gonna try.


	11. Don't Worry

Thank you all SO much for all the great reviews. I love reading feedback and you all have been so nice with your comments. :) I hope everyone loved the finale last night. I can't believe we have to wait 5 months!! I sincerely hope that Nathan's leaving for jail in the finale, doesn't mean we won't be seeing him next season. Don't worry though, if we don't see him, I'll write for him! So be on the look out when the new season starts! Thanks again for all the feedback!   
  
*  
  
After talking to Uncle Henry, he thinks his father would be proud of him.  
  
Even though his mother can barely make eye contact with him, even though when she hugged him before he left he could feel the tension in her arms.  
  
He wished Sam could have been there when he left the apartment.   
  
That kid's gonna be great one day, really great.  
  
Giving him that money, wanting him to stay out of jail; He's a great kid.  
  
Angela hugged him all day long, and when he finally hugged her for the last time, he couldn't turn around to look at her as he headed for the door. He could feel her eyes boring into his back.  
  
"Nathan?" she had asked him earlier that day.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why do you have to leave too?"  
  
"Too?"  
  
"Mama already left, and now you're leaving us."  
  
That was the hardest thing to hear. He hates to abandon his family.  
  
But he has to stand up for himself, for all Muslims, for all the boys out there protesting the war.   
  
He'll be back, don't worry, he'll be back.  
  
He's going to be the first man to truly survive jail twice. Just wait and see, Uncle Henry. 


End file.
